CVS Is Melting Down

Dear CVS,

You and I have known each other for years now, and you have always been my favorite pharmacy, and not just because you are near my house and work and have a coupon system that can be gamed like counting cards in Vegas. OK, well it’s mostly that, and don’t think I haven’t noticed you tightening up the whole coupon thing and making it harder to get 40% off everything. But I was OK with that. Honestly sometimes the coupons were so good, I worried a bit about your profits. And I wasn’t thrilled when you rebranded the heart to that blocky thing, but I got over it.

But lately, something has gone really wrong. I get it–what with the pandemic going on and on, and worker shortages and you giving out vaccines nonstop — well at least here in Massachusetts. There is a lot going on for all of us, and we are all trying our best to get through this, and I hate to be a jerk, but…

What the everliving fuck is going on with you?

I noticed a few years ago when you installed those clear plastic barriers on certain shelves that when you lift them up a bell sounds and a voice says, “Thank you for buying” whatever is behind the plastic. It’s annoying, but I understand it’s an antitheft device. Fine, whatever. But I recently went into your store, and now some of those barriers are locked. Like have-to-wait-for-some-one-to-come-unlock-it locked.

Now, let me tell you something CVS. I work in health care, so I’m still a tad traumatized by the whole pandemic. One of the ways I help myself is to keep trips to you to an absolute minimum. I go in, I know what I need and I’m out. It’s better for everyone, right? You don’t need me clogging up your tiny little aisles, and I don’t need spend any more time than is necessary breathing in air from people with their masks off their nose.

Now I wouldn’t mind if you just locked up fancy pants cosmetics and high end merchandise. I don’t buy that stuff. What I do buy is cheap drug store body lotion like Jergens and it is NOW LOCKED BEHIND A PLASTIC BARRIER.

Are you serious? How much lotion are people stealing, and if they are, don’t you think it may be because they need it? Or is there a hot underground market for Jergens that I am not aware of? So now, I need to wait around for one of your staff people to unlock my cheap-ass lotion. And they, no offence, are usually clearly overworked and underappreciated or don’t give a flip because they are totally over being overworked and underappreciated.

Thinking it was the CVS near my house that had suddenly had an increase in crime, I went to another CVS and found the same thing. The Jergens was locked down, and when I warned my friend about going there, she found her makeup wipes unfettered, but the other brand on the shelf next to them was locked down. What sense does that even make?

I Googled you and more than a year ago there were articles about how you were locking up Black hair products–just those and not products for white people’s hair. So this is how you decided to solve that injustice? Lock up more shit, so people can’t say you are singling out people of color?

I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m on the edge myself most days, so I’m saying fuck you and I’m buying my stuff somewhere where they don’t lock up cheap-ass lotion or Black hair products.

But then I was on my way home from work, and I needed Christmas tree lights and stocking treats for the kid, and of course you were there near the train stop. Damn you!

Now, I know those of you who read the news will already be laughing at me. I was trying to buy Christmas tree lights on December 14. I kept hearing about all these shortages of things, but since I don’t really buy stuff and I avoid the news, I wasn’t paying attention. Plus, I dimly remember seeing Christmas crap per usual at Halloween, so how bad could it be?

OK, I get it, it’s bad. BUT.

The CVS I went to had clearly all but given up. It wasn’t like there were empty shelves where Christmas merchandise used to be. There were no Christmas things in it at all, not even a stray chocolate Santa or a bag of green and red M&M’s. NADA. The store was just like, fuck it. I got nothing. And if you want Jergens, you’re going to have to wait for the one person behind the counter to come unlock it for you.

So that’s it CVS. We had a good run, but you are clearly not the store you were even a few years ago. We’re done. I’m going to find a store that doesn’t make me tax my brain playing, “What the hell is locked up now.” I thought I was on the edge, but you are in worse shape. I really do hope you get the help you need, because you’re making my mental state look pretty stable, and that is totally fucked up.




  1. Maybe I’m out of the loop. But has snorting body lotion suddenly become an epidemic? (And if so, how exactly does that work???)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s