As I mentioned a while back in my first cah post, I have become a one-day-a-week suburban worker who has to drive 15 miles to the office. I know, cry me a river. At first I hated Waze, which will take me on the most remote back roads of Boston, including through the parking lots of apartment developments, only to come out to a four-lane main road with no stop lights that you somehow have to take a left on without dying. All for a time savings of 10 seconds. I generally don’t have enough coffee by that time of the morning to endure those shenanigans. But humans, even me, are incredibly adaptive, so once I got used to zigzagging my way through Boston’s smallest byways, I was able to switch my mindset. Hey, I’m not white-knuckling it through this narrow 2-way street with parking on both sides; I’m learning about all the interesting out-of-the-way places of my beloved city!
Recently I ended up leaving 15 minutes later than I usually do. Up until now, it had taken me between 40 and 50 minutes, and I’ve learned traffic patterns are like a living thing. A living thing on drugs — sometimes downers, sometimes uppers, and sometimes psychedelics, but always unpredictable. This time Waze said it would take an hour and 10 minutes. What? I’d heard the tales of fellow commuters of this mystical “if you leave past XXX time, you’re screwed,” but I never thought it could happen to me. I mean how much worse can Boston traffic get? But what do I know about this whole commuting thing? So, fine. Lesson learned. Get your ass out the door on time, Sweet Cheeks.
A morbid part of me was curious, though. Where the hell is the traffic backed up? Generally, I drive through Jamaica Plain (JP), graze Roxbury, go through the Fenway, onto Storrow Drive to 93, where I head north when everyone else is going south. This time I went through JP, Boston proper, then Waze took me across the Charles River to Memorial Drive.
Huh. Wow, Storrow must be a parking lot. Although I had been on it when it was a parking lot, so maybe an accident? I didn’t wonder for long because I never tire of the view when crossing the Charles River. In either direction you get Cambridge laid out before you or Boston. Also, I was curious to learn how to get to 93 from Memorial Drive. When I saw the sign for 93 north, I noted it for future use. But then Waze sent me to the McGrath Highway which goes through Cambridge to Somerville. Ooooooookaaaaaay. I knew there was another way to get onto 93 from McGrath, no problem. I lived in Somerville in my 20s and enjoyed the nostalgic drive-through. A lot has been gentrified, but there were still a few gritty buildings left. I didn’t have too much time to think about it though, because once again, I got close to 93, and again Waze veered off. This time through the 7-way intersection of Rt 16 and 28 with 4 lanes that send you in very specific directions, at the crossroads of Medford, Malden, Chelsea, Revere, and Somerville. I know the intersection well having gone through it when I lived in Revere. But that was 7 years ago, so I got into a lane with the arrow pointing to where I thought I wanted to go and hoped for the best.
Once safely on the Fellsway in Malden, I thought, jesus, 93 must be messed up. How many accidents were there today? I also started talking back to Waze, you know, as one does.
“Seriously, Waze? Is this what we’re doing today? This is actually what we’re doing? Why? Why are we doing this?” Waze did not deign to answer. I began to notice the relaxing lack of other cars, and that the trees lining both sides of the road were at peak foliage — deep hues of red and orange with a splash of yellow lit up in the bright sunshine.
Perplexed, but starting to enjoy the ride, I continued through Melrose — sooo many M towns — and when I got to Stoneham, I was driving parallel to 93. As in I could see it from my window. And despite my foolish imagination, it was not an automobile apocalypse, but the usual benign light traffic heading north. Going 65 miles an hour. Or faster.
“Really, Waze?” I couldn’t be that mad though because at one point, I was the only car on the road. It was quite heavenly. Finally I came out on a street that I recognized near my office and made my way to the parking lot. I regaled my coworkers with my weird Waze ride, and they were all, “Yeah, if you leave just 10 or 15 minutes later, you’re screwed.”
I just wanted to know why. What were you keeping me from, you little weird app? I also ranted to myself about technology. Why doesn’t it work properly? What’s wrong with it and why is it always screwing with my head? Ah, the deep questions of modern living.
The next week I put my work address into Waze, and I was leaving at the proper time. Again it said 1 hour and 10 minutes. Now wait just a minute, bub. What were the chances that there was some mysterious catastrophic traffic event two times in two weeks? On a Thursday? Right, zero.
As I puzzled till my puzzler was sore, up from the murky depths of my brain came a half-formed memory. Something about avoiding highways. A few weeks before, I’d wanted to go somewhere after work but wanted to take the back roads and avoid the highway traffic. I quickly tapped around in the settings and found the fateful “Avoid freeways” navigation button turned to “on”. Gah! On the iPhone native map app, you can choose to avoid certain features per ride, which makes way more sense. Is there some majority of people out there who are choosing to avoid highways, tolls, left turns, ferries, etc., in perpetuity? Are they also the people who voted for the Cheeto flea? Doubly annoying was that label, “freeways.” Hey Cali Waze, here on the East Coast we call them highways. There are algorithms for nearly every piece of information I look at to keep me in my own personal echo chamber, but I have to deal with “freeways”?
And the fait accompli was that while I desperately wanted to blame stupid technology, I couldn’t. It was of course, user error. Never mind that it’s not intuitive and shouldn’t be one button and done. It’s working as designed, and if it’s designed badly, and I’ve not used it correctly, then I’m the bad guy. Well I say, fuck you, stupid Cali app. Although I did have the last laugh. I noticed the “avoid difficult intersections” was also toggled on. The joke’s on you, Waze, 80% of intersections in Boston are difficult. You will fail in that task.
Still, I have to admit I really did enjoy that drive, and if I could actually get up earlier, it would certainly be a less stressful driving option.
Ha ha ha ha, I crack myself up. I’m never getting up early to go to work. Viva la Highway!
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sandradeden.com 
One of your best. And romping through the wonderful world that is Boston!