An Offer I Can’t Refuse

I have spoken before about all the “helpful“ garden advice about deterring animals from munching on, digging in, and running amuck in the city garden. After losing hours watching YouTube videos or reading articles that promise their techniques will work, I attempt the “foolproof” technique, only to have the animals, who are worldly, clever, and fearful of nothing and no one, laugh at my efforts, and carry on unabated. Often while I’m standing right there. We have been living in this uneasy balance for several years, but recently, the animals took it to another level.

My upstairs neighbor called me one evening to say there was something dead on her third floor landing of the back stairs to our decks. She explained she couldn’t do dead things and asked if I would take a look. Now, I’m not a fan of dead things either, and a friend had disposed of a dead rat in front of my door to the second floor landing several years ago. We had put poison out, so I guess it climbed the two stories to die in my path as some kind of revenge. Call me crazy, but I would think most forest animals just die on the ground and don’t try to climb up anywhere as a last eff you. This is what we city people are dealing with.

But the fact that she couldn’t identify what was dead hooked me in some macabre way. Also, I had two glasses of wine down the hatch, so I put my shoes on and headed up the flight of stairs to her landing. The dim stairway lights kind of helped with the ick factor, but when I came upon the thing, it really was unidentifiable, so I had to turn on my phone light. It looked like a neatly skinned piece of chicken thigh and back, except there were 2 small, truncated limb-like extrusions, and the third was a full leg, still covered in gray fur with the paw attached. Clearly the remains of a squirrel. Those little bastids have dug up my deck flower boxes and most recently disturbed the garlic I’ve planted in those boxes, so I wasn’t crying over those remains. But as I got a plastic bag and disposed of it, I got to thinking who killed the squirrel and why leave it up so high up in a place where people walk? It was neatly skinned, no gnaw marks. We’ve all seen the chicken leg dragged from the trash by “wild” animals with the bones and meat scattered all over. No, whoever was responsible looked like they had taken butchering classes. And what was with leaving the last furry leg? You can’t tell me they suddenly became too tired to eat that last leg. No, that was the only way to identify it, and they were sending a message.

Then I thought of the creepy, overly familiar raccoons and their human like hands. A few years ago I saw one in the hollow of the tree in our yard. One (maybe the same one) keeps pooping on the back deck stairs. Marking territory, I suppose, but it’s never gone further, and I thought we had reached that unspoken city pact between humans and animals where we agree to only bother each other to a certain level.

But it struck me that leaving a neatly butchered squirrel all the way up on the top landing was the raccoon equivalent of the horse head in the bed. We were clearly dealing with a mobster raccoon who had unquestionably declared our back deck staircase as his house and warning us to use the front stairs.

I was telling the story to my friend who owns the apartment. When she lived here she had battled a whole family of raccoons, mom and cubs who were trying to get into her house through her sliding doors. She tried to poke them away with a broom stick and yell at them, but they were impervious to her efforts. Was this “gift” payback of some kind? Mobsters and nature are known for their long game, right? What’s next? Demands of food and better shelter or the neighborhood dog gets whacked?

So, internet, you think you’re smart and clever and have solved every gardening problem. But I’m still waiting for the city animal edition. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. These critters are used to dining on leftover foods from all cultures, hot and spicy, bitter and sweet, with herbs and spices from near and far. They are not gonna be repelled by mint, garlic, and various flowers, believe me. In fact they may have seen the Godfather movies on the giant, high definition screens people have and are evolving their game. I can see what my neighbors across the street are watching from my house, so that’s a no brainer for a raccoon. Maybe instead of watching gardening videos I should watch the Godfather movies, and prepare for an offer I can’t refuse.