Captain’s Log: Stardate 2043.7

The gahden was under attack this week, first by aphids. I noticed 3 of the 6 tomato plants are not much bigger than when I put them in, so I went to take a closer look and saw all 6 plants were covered in aphids, those little bastards. Then I realized that this usually is the time when I send photos of evidence of various ailments and catastrophes affecting the plants along with panicked texts to my gardening friends. But, you know, there’s no (aphid) flies on me, as this year I remembered that no matter what I tell them, they usually recommend a soap solution insecticide. So I skipped the photos and the texting and when right to the internet for a recipe, because I still have a thing for avoiding stores. I blasted all the plants, although my friends usually tell me to not spray too much. I have not figured out the right amount, I just go by how annoyed I am by the aphids’ assuming and insulting presence.

As an afterthought, I checked the three flower boxes on the deck, and realized the petunias were also covered in the little beasties. What fresh hell is this? I’ve never had to babysit the flowers before. The impatiens and begonias were fine, but just to be on the safe side, I blasted all three window boxes. I gave the tomatoes a day of rest, but blasted the petunias the next day, when I discovered some of the beasties were dead, but many were not.

On the third day, kind of like god did in the bible, I checked the tomato plants and saw I had gotten nearly all the bastards. I picked off the survivors with glee, muttering curses  at them under my breath and then gave all the plants one more spray.

Fresh from victory, I then checked on the petunias. The aphids were delightfully stiff with death, but the leaves and some flowers were covered in tiny black specks. The amount seemed out of sync with the number of aphids originally, so I thought the two things probably weren’t connected.

And then, I spotted them.

Inch-long green worms, not only chomping away on my petunias, but  leaving behind all those specks — they had pooped without remorse all over my beautiful flowers. Flowers I have lovingly put in for bees, butterflies, and hummingbirds. Not that I have seen more than 2 bees, but still it’s only July, right? Absolutely no insolent pooping worms are allowed.

Taking matters into my own hands, I plucked each one I could find and threw them all with great delight two stories down to, I hope, an untimely death.

I checked the next day and found one lone baby worm snuggled in center of a budding petunia, until I plucked it out and sent him to his maker.

As Captain Kirk often likes to say, I’m on a peaceful mission, but I will use my weapons to defend my crew, er, plants, if necessary.

No one poops on my flowers and gets away with it.

 

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