Because I’m Worth It

Some of you may remember those L’Oreal hair color commercials from the 70s that proclaimed “Preference by L’Oreal. Because I’m worth it.” I’ve never colored my own hair, except for that one unfortunate time in college when I should have known better than to hand the box over to my friends. They seemed so confident, so sincere, and yet the words, “uh-oh” will forever make me want to grab the nearest hand mirror and scream, “How bad?!?”

So, I can’t tell you if L’Oreal is worth it. But I can tell you paying for a professional is. And I can tell you that there is an even better way to gauge my worthiness. It came at the end of last year, my 50th, which was wicked big fun that you can read all about it here. I’m not referring to my AARP card, which I’m still mulling over and eyeing suspiciously from afar. Yeah, yeah, I know you get all these fantastic discounts like when you’re in college. But the main differences seem to be that there aren’t any coupons for getting into clubs for free, and I actually have to remember to use the card for the discounts. I’m lucky I remember I have a kid, never mind when I need to whip out the AARP card.

No, the validation came when I received my quarterly life insurance bill. You know that thing you pay for most of your life and never actually need. But if you don’t have it, you will most likely need it, and after briefly mourning you, your loved ones will curse you for being such a stupid cheap bastard lunk head for not getting it. Yeah, that thing.

Well, because I had reached the fantastic age of 50, I was informed at the end of last year, that I will now pay $100 more per quarter for my life insurance. That’s $400 more a year! Can you imagine? While pop culture and the Force Awakens General Leia haters will tell you getting older is worthless, disgusting, and something that should be scraped off the bottom of your shoe, the insurance industry has bravely stood up and proclaimed, “You are 50 and fantastic and worth more than some 20-something who may have a beautiful ass, but no assets we care about. You, my lovely, mid-life customer, you are in fact quantifiably worth more. Exactly $400 more.”

So thank you life insurance industry for standing up for what’s right. I will write that check with pride and self-satisfaction, because now I know for sure: I’m worth it.