I have been blogging for 11 years and given the constant change of technology, I’m actually kind of surprised that blogging is still a thing that people can do. I just assumed the technological world would move on, and I’d become the blogging equivalent of a handmade book or a vinyl album. What has changed of course is the algorithms and all the shenanigan words and phrases I’m supposed to include to catch all of your attention so I can go viral, or get a virus, or be an influencer or be under the influence or something along those lines. None of that is on my list of goals, but I thought for shits and giggles I could employ some of the key phrases I see in nearly every “how to” post and video. If I can’t beat the algorithms, I may as well join them.
But what am I an expert on that others seem to not know? Precious little, I thought, until I started to notice everyone talking about how hard it is to do nothing, slow down, or take a non-guilt ridden break from the pursuit of productivity.
Ahhhhhhh-ha! Here’s where I can shine. I am a do-nothing SME, otherwise known as “subject matter expert,” which we say all the time in healthcare, and maybe other industries say it too. It makes us feel special, and it almost always makes me giggle because it’s pronounced “smee,” which makes me think of 1) Dr. Seuss and 2) Smurfs. I can’t explain that second one other than to say watch the movie “Slacker,” which when it came out in 1990 summarized how I felt as a Gen X and explained the cultural significance of Smurfs. (Not to be confused with the movie “Slackers” which involves a whole other generation I don’t really care about.)
According to the algorithms, I could name this blog;
- 5 easy ways to do nothing
- 7 ways you’re doing nothing in the absolute wrong way
- Become a do-nothing expert in 3 easy steps
- I was a do nothing expert for 30 days and here’s what happened
Next, I believe I’m supposed to hook you with statements like:
“This method is so easy, anyone can do it. All you have to do is…”
Of course, you have come across this deceptive, dismissive, infuriating phrase, especially in YouTube videos. There I am innocently trying to learn how to do something, and when I see all the videos, I think, “oh, joy!” The creators of these videos seem interesting and knowledgeable, and my hope begins to crest as they assure me that for a little or no money, I can absolutely build a tomato cage or a raised garden bed or hang a floating shelf.
What follows is usually a list of things they claim everyone has around the house. “You take any extra lumber or wood you have.” Or “use some old chicken wire you have in your garage.” I live in an apartment in the city, so no, I don’t have anything resembling leftover building materials. And I don’t have a garage where these items could mysteriously appear. I do have recycling–lots of cardboard and plastic, so I guess I’m full on ready for a grade school art project. But I am sometimes an optimist, so I think, no matter, maybe someone on my street will throw away the exact piece of wood I need, or I can go to Home Depot or Lowes and wander around for several days trying to ask someone to help me get this small piece of wood. So easy!
Then they move on to naming all the tools I will need. I silently pray it’s a short list of the tools I do own: a hammer, screwdriver, and wrench. But then the list is long and declared in that chirpy, happy voice; “All you’ll need is a miter saw, calipers, a level, clamps, and a pocket hole jig.” While I’m furiously Googling half of them, the person thinks they are being helpful when they add, “If you don’t have a miter saw, you can just use a jigsaw. ” I DON’T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT IS. If they are not nattering away about impossible tools, they are naming other allegedly “easily available” materials. “To fill your yard with hummingbirds for only $5, all you need is 10 solar powered water fountains that you can get at your local aquarium pet store.” Well, good for you that you have a highly specialized store near your house that sells fountains for cheap.
The last insufferable piece of these videos is that even if you had all the uncommon stuff and the fancy tools, their instructions often assume A LOT and they talk and move their hands fast and then they cut the video up so it is short and missing essential instructions. Even when I slow down the video, there is a big gap where I can exactly how to flip the do-hickey around and invert the thingamajiggy properly.
Many of these people are algorithm whoring assholes.
But like I said, if I can’t beat them, I may as well join them. So back to my expertise. Since childhood, I have been able to sit still for long periods of time. I was a bookworm, so there was always a book in my hand. We were once-a-week visitors to the library and I always took out the limit–7 books. I read them all well before we returned the next week. As I got older, I got on the busy modern American life merry-go-round. But I still love to and need to sit still for as long as life allows. I’ve graduated to not even needing the book. Just me, coffee, couch, and a window is a perfect recipe for a Saturday or Sunday morning. I sometimes journal, but by “journal” I mean I scribble a few sentences, stop and stare out the window. Let my mind wander around. Then I remember another thing to scribble down. And repeat. And so I present to you…
Become a do-nothing expert in 3 easy steps
Are you a productivity zombie and can’t let a day go by without either producing your ass off or berating yourself for not producing your ass off? Well you’ve come to the right place. I am an elite-level, do-nothing expert and can show you how to do nothing in 3 very easy steps. If you have not done nothing in many years, please consult a health care professional first. I’m not going to be held responsible for your anxiety attacks or whatever happens when you busy people stop doing things.
Step 1: Sit your ass down. No desk treadmilling. No stationery biking. No sitting on an exercise ball. Only sit on a stable, non-moving surface. Posture preference is up to you, but if you start obsessing about your posture, you’re doing it wrong.
Step 2: Put your phone down. It’s so easy! Anyone can do it. Pro tip: just don’t pick it up. See how effortless that is?
Step 3: Do nothing. Staring and letting your mind wander is recommended. No making to-do lists, no worrying about that work presentation, or what to make for dinner. So simple!
And just like that you are doing nothing. If you are wondering if you are doing this wrong, you likely are–see my related post “7 ways you’re doing nothing absolutely wrong.”
Nah, I’m just messing with ya. Hang in there everyone and don’t let the algorithms get you down.
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