Tips for Protesting When You’re Over 50

I attended a protest on International Women’s Day earlier this month. It was organized by an Indivisible.org member who had never organized anything like that before. She decided she could no longer stand on the sidelines, and so she put out a call to meet at the Boston Commons. 3,000 people showed up. So just goes to show you, anyone can get a protest party started, or you can just show up to someone else’s protest party.

But in case you’re over 50 and it’s been a while since you chanted in the streets, held up a sign, or maybe if it’s your first time ever, I have some tips for you.

1. Pee before you leave the house. Then pee again. Remember what your mother told you: “Just try.” Sure you can attempt to run into a restaurant or store while you’re marching and shouting, “This is what democracy looks like,” but you don’t want to miss anything, and chances are you will not be the only one with the idea.
2. Take prophylactic ibuprofen. These things can last for several hours, and you want to be able to walk tomorrow, or, really, just be able to walk after you get home.
3. Bring a snack in case it’s been years since you were in your downtown area. Chances are that fun restaurant with the cheap drinks and comfort food you remembered from your youth and lasted until March 2020, has been turned into a T-Mobile store. Only bring water if you like living on the edge. You know who you are.
4. If you can’t hear, just get closer to the speaker. You are allowed to say “We can’t hear you” once in case the sound system is not working well. But if no one younger than you also says they can’t hear, sorry to say it’s you (well, really, it’s me, but it could be you, too). Just get closer.
5. If you’d rather not get closer, you can also stay back and just clap and cheer when everyone else does. I can sum up what the speakers are saying: “Democracy is being dismantled before our eyes! We’re going to fight! Cheeto flea and muskrat have to go!” You can fill in your own names for those 2 tiny-penissed “men.” Yes, I just made that word up, but it clearly had to be done. You’re welcome.
6. During said speeches, don’t forget to stretch your legs and ankles, otherwise that first step off for the march may be your last.
7. If you get tired, pull over to the side and tell people you just want to see all the wonderful signs.
8. Feel free to have plenty of opinions about what the young ones are wearing, doing, not doing, saying, and how they are endlessly scrolling on their phones and taking selfies. Keep it to yourself, and then have a good dish with your 50+ friends after.
9. Have empathy for and also beware of the well-meaning young mother and father who are being good role models and have brought their toddler along. Those exercises you were doing during the speeches will keep you nimble enough to dodge the stroller as said toddler is careening through the crowd. Don’t be mad, we’re taking all comers for this shit.
10. Feel free to flip off anyone driving a Tesla (I don’t care if you found it on the street for fucking free — get rid of it), or especially anyone driving the ugly-ass muskrat truck. As one sign so aptly put it, “I hope your ugly truck drives you straight to hell.”

So there you have it folks. And then when you get home, you can follow the words of James Baldwin, “Throw everything out of your mind … read a little, sleep. The world will still be here when you wake up, and there’ll still be everything left to do.”

If you’re not sure what to do, check out indivisible.org, which has a playbook of actions, as well as postings of events in your area.

And be sure to stock up on ibuprofen.