Will I Ever Learn?

My favorite work blouse sprouted a little hole. It’s from Old Navy, and I have noticed this is a common occurance. What else do I expect from cheap clothes? Well, I actually expect them to last for 10 years, but I am working on that with my therapist. Now this blouse had previously sprouted holes that I sewed up. I believe *ahem* user error was involved in making those holes because they were front and center, and I have been known to catch my shirts in the zipper of my pants. Don’t judge. This new hole is in a weird place that I could not have possibly worn out, which means one thing: the blouse is getting past its expiration date and more holes will be sprouting, possibly out-holing my ability to sew them up. Which I also know makes me sound like I grew up in the depression. Sewing the holes in my clothes! How quaint. I could set myself up in a glass box and charge people $5 to see the middle aged lady fix her clothes.

But hear me out. I generally don’t like shopping and shopping for clothes is even worse. It’s not just because most of the clothes are made for 20-year-olds who are 7 feet tall and weigh 100 lbs (and wear a size small, the women’s clothing websites will helpfully tell you. No shit, Sherlock). I only like and can only wear fashions that come around every 5-6 years, so I need to keep sewing what I have until the next palatable fashon wave comes. Or doesn’t. It’s 50/50 really.

I do have other things to wear to work, but the fact that this blouse is my favorite threw me into an uncharacteristic fashion panic. And online I went.

I know, I know. Will I ever, ever learn? Probably not, but that just ensures future blogs for you. (See my previous blog on a fashion fail)

So I started with my go-to Old Navy, but they are in a fashion stage I will call “Modern Hell No,” and so I moved on. Let’s try basic, then, like J. Crew? Maybe?

OK, so if you need to have the models wear these shirts unbuttoned to their navels as a selling point, maybe the actual shirts are a little too basic. Maybe try making them, oh, I don’t know, more interesting? I know, I’m so unreasonable asking for a shirt that I can wear without getting arrested or fired.

OK, so moving on to the shirts that are more interesting and trendy. Maybe I’m being too hasty, I thought. Maybe there are a few shirts that might be fun to wear and appropriate for work. Maybe….

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what. What. Is. This. Even worse, this doesn’t even look good on the 20 years olds. I hope these poor women got paid extra for being made to wear these textile tragedies.

And why is Charo’s granddaughter pushing ruffled bodysuits? Don’t get me started on bodysuits, that is a whole other blog. We had them in the 70s, and I’m sure they are just as uncomfortable and impractical today as they were then.

OK. I had to lay down for a bit after that viewing (or is it lie down? I never mastered that difference. Something about laying a book down or lying down on books you’ve read, or is it lying about the books you’ve read? It’s confusing).

I become desperate enough to Google “Where to buy professional work clothes for women”. It’s embarassing to even admit how I was rock-bottoming out on this–I actually started reading a reddit thread. Goddess help me.

Which led me to this, and it is fully deserved. All I have to say is:

Not. A. Shirt. #notashirt

And it’s a bodysuit to boot because … why? You’re afraid it will pull out of your jeans and you might reveal your … body? Call it something else. Put a damn ruffle on it. But this is NOT A #%@!& SHIRT.

And there I was scrolling and scrolling, unable to tear myself away from eye-melting, row after row of cloth nightmares, all of it overpriced and vying for ugliest shirt of the year. Limp, sweating, and bleary eyed, I found this and for one brief, uplifting, and foolish second, I thought, oh! Hold up! I could wear this!

Until I realized, I did. I did fucking wear this. In 1985.

And so, I will go back to my little closet and sew up the weird little hole in my favorite shirt. Go ahead and poke fun at me, but you will see my little pretties. That ruffle shirt, that see-through suit, they are going to haunt your group photos. My big shoulder pad, button up shirt, 80s photos are hidden securely in a box under my bed, but yours? Yours are online, forever, sweetcheeks.

Oh, and if you want to see me sew, it’ll cost you a fiver.

P.S. Here is the favorite shirt.